Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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