So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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