So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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