I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
