It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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