if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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