Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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