I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
