so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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