Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
