My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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