It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If I had your ass I would rule the world
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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