MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
