Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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