My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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