How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
