I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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