Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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