I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
