i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
