Duck Duck Cougar?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
