Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
