LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
