i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh god it's open bar.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
