the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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