I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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