i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
