The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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