You made me cry and you don't even care
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize