You made me cry and you don't even care
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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