I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
