My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize