The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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