my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
