Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
