I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
