so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
