my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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