Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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