shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
