I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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