We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
