It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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