It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
