Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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