Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
