i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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