highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
