you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize