I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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