im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
