The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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