I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
