I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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