I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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