2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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