I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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