Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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