I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
